For the Wife Whose Husband Works Most of the Week – your marriage does not have to be on hold in this season! You can have a thriving marriage, even though it is difficult. Even when your husband is away most of the week. Just because your marriage looks different than what you thought or what instagram says it should look like, doesn’t mean that you and your husband can’t grow closer and thrive in this season.
Catch up on the rest of this series here:
As women, no matter what we do during the day, I think we are wired to care for our families. I think that most of the tension during seasons of husbands being gone comes from our hearts asking “is this right?” “is this forever?” “is this what’s best for our family?” Often, seasons like this are stepping stones to a better job, a different opportunity, or something else God has planned for your family. But in the waiting, the tension can seem unbearable. Living in the “now, but not yet” can be so difficult.
As wives, we have the unique perspective of knowing our husband’s heart, knowing the heartbeat of our homes, and knowing the desires of our own hearts. We also have the powerful responsibility of stewarding those things well and lining up our desires with God’s.
Your marriage does not have to be on hold in this season.
I believed the lie that my marriage couldn’t grow, that we couldn’t thrive unless ‘being married’ looked a certain way. I had this picture in my head, and when our lives didn’t match up it caused me to spiral.
Once I came to terms with the fact that the picture in my head was not going to happen, that it wasn’t even what was best for us, I was able to look up and see opportunities to grow right where we had been planted. God can make beauty from ashes and can make even the messiest of middles into the most beautiful stories.
What does this look like practically?
Have an end game
As a couple, talk about this season of life. Is it always going to be this way? What needs to change? What goals need to be reached in order to move out of this season? There’s nothing wrong with looking forward and simultaneously trying to find good in the current season. Being on the same page and giving a light at the end of the tunnel are both really important.
Remember you’re on the same team
Remind your heart that you are working toward the same goals (and if you’re not, schedule a date to get on the same page!). It’s easy to feel disconnected and lonely and like you’re living separate lives, so be intentional. Don’t wait for him to text you. Make it a priority to tell him about your day, what the kids did, what’s on your heart even if he can’t respond right away. Ask him how you can pray for him and make time to dream together.
Communicate regularly
Try to incorporate some of the following in daily or at least weekly, to keep you both feeling in the loop. Don’t be afraid to ask each other for reminders to do so!
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Daily goings on
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Daily or weekly High/Low
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upcoming things/calendar
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how was your day? (and actually give/listen to the response)
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what the kids are up to
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videos, photos, texts, calls
Connect as much as possible
Connecting is more than just communicating. It’s making an effort to reach out to your husband, regardless of if he is good at doing the same.
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prioritize communicating outside of “the kids did…” “how are you…
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Try listening to the same audio books so you can chat.
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Set aside time when he is home for deeper conversation.
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Prioritize your marriage. This means possibly saying no to other commitments, family, etc when he is home.
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Parenting decisions are an area that can start to feel one sided when our husbands are gone alot. Involve him, ask for his advice, share resources with him, tell him stories, make it a point to parent together when you are together. Get on the same page!
Determine roles
Things can start to get fuzzy when one person is away most of the time and one person is “doing everything” at home. This was a big area of growth for us, because I felt like I was doing all the work. I don’t know if I thought J was just off playing on a mountain somewhere or what, but when it occurred to me that he was off providing for our family by working his buns off, I forced myself to change my perspective. We’ve since begun to talk more openly about our roles and expectations, taking time to assign things and talk them out instead of getting hurt feelings. I’m married to someone who likes to be involved and likes to take action in certain areas, so I have learned the hard way to be mindful of that (i.e. not just barge in and do it myself). He has also had to relinquish control of certain things so that I can manage our home while he is away.
Appoint a CEO
Something that has really helped us is to decide what areas each of us are “the CEO” of.
I heard this idea on a podcast and it’s so handy! For example, J is the CEO of the majority of the bill-paying and I am the CEO of groceries. We check in with each other but most decision making, day to day tasks, etc that fall into these areas are just taken care of by the CEO.
This allows you to take charge of what you need to, without feeling like you’re waiting for him or like he will be upset It also allows him to let go of what you’re doing and focus on his priority and vice versa.
It’s not easy, but I am so grateful for the lessons we’ve learned during this time of J working most of the week. As we’ve let God work in our hearts, it’s actually brought us closer together rather than kept us apart. It keeps us looking forward and working hard toward our goals, and I am so proud of him for how hard he works!
Keep encouraging your husband – he needs it!
And remember – you’re not alone, you’re not stuck, and it doesn’t have to feel this hard forever.