I’m turning a year older this weekend, and I can’t help but think how different I am.
Last year, I remember feeling like I had finally gotten to the end of a tunnel. Life and light were ahead of me. I had dreams and plans.
We had just celebrated Logan’s first birthday, our family was happy, Josh was going to be home from work more, our respective families were doing well, I’d finally gotten a handle on my depression, we were looking forward to our vacation.
And then everything changed.
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I don’t say that to be dramatic. When I look back at the last year, there is a very distinct line between what used to be and what is now. Before Dad died and after. How my family used to look and what it looks like now.
Death, grief, loss, pain – they mark us. We don’t get out of it, as much as we try to avoid feeling it sometimes.
But we do have a choice.
We can let that pain make us bitter or better.
We can let that loss make us more greedy or more grateful.
We can let those waves of grief make us more selfish or more servant-hearted.
It’s up to us.
This year, I again feel as though I’m nearing the end of a very long, very dark tunnel. Life is still ahead of me but it looks very different. What matters to me is different. My priorities are different. My perspective is different.
I have dreams and plans. But they have been changed drastically in the lifetime that was this past year.
There is still light ahead but it isn’t a light that is subject to circumstance anymore. It is the Light that has led me through the dark this past year. The Light that I’ve clung to as the darkness threatened to swallow me up. The Light that has quietly urged me onward when I just wanted to lie down and give up.
I’ve learned so many things in the last 12 months, but if we were sitting down over coffee these are the first things I’d say.
We just don’t have time.
We just don’t have time to waste in our relationships, in our lives. We aren’t promised tomorrow. The life we are living today is the life that will be our legacy when we are gone.
Our God is good.
He is good in the great times and He is good in the times that feel like hell has come to earth. He is here with us when it feels like we are alone in the desert. He is the Light of the world, but He is also the Light that will lead us when all else has gone dark.
As I enter this new year, this first year of my life without my earthly Daddy, I am clinging to my heavenly Father. If He’s all I’ve got, He’s more than enough for me.
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I started writing these #griefstories as a way to process my pain and to hopefully bring some sort of empathy and hope to those who are also walking through grief. If you have experienced loss and want to share your story, please get in contact with me. I would love to pray alongside you and share your story with this community if you’d like.