Love isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice. I probably heard that a hundred times leading up to my wedding, but didn’t really understand it until the first big hurdle we faced as a married couple. We’ve walked through job loss and unemployment, sickness, difficult work situations, death and loss in our short 4 years of marriage. And I’m finally starting to understand the idea that love is in fact a choice. I choose how I respond to my spouse when things get hard. As I was thinking about this lesson God is teaching me, I made a list of 10 ways to choose love when marriage is hard.
You can read the first three ways to love your spouse during a difficult season here.
When Marriage is Hard
Choosing to love your spouse when marriage is hard takes constant work – daily, sometimes moment by moment choices to put them first even when they aren’t returning the favor. Here’s a recap of the first three ways to show love to your spouse in difficult seasons in part one of this post:
Communicate Well
How and when you communicate are just as important as what you communicate.
Tips: Respond Gently, Listen Well, Stay Calm
Believe the Best
Believing the best about our spouse brings out the best in them.
Focus on the Positive
Stop fixating on the problems and start dwelling on the positives.
Schedule Time Together
Focus on Serving Them
This one is pretty self explanatory, but not necessarily easy to live out. In a hard season, it’s easy to get sucked down the trail of “why me” “they aren’t meeting my needs” “if my spouse would just…”. This is a dangerous path because when I focus on myself and my needs, I miss any opportunity to serve my husband and meet his needs, which sets into motion a pretty vicious cycle!
When I can change my focus to serving my husband, it changes my attitude and my heart. It gets my mind off of myself. And making that first step often squelches any tension that has arisen. It is humbling, but so worth it to focus on how we can serve our spouse rather than on what they can do for us.
That’s what Jesus did for us, right?
Pray
Pray, Pray, Pray. The enemy wants to drive a wedge between you and your spouse. He wants to get you two as far apart as possible. He will whisper lies into your heart and bring up fears and hurts from the past. The biggest lesson I am learning in my marriage this year is that when I fight with my husband, I not fighting the real enemy. My husband is not the enemy. The devil is the enemy. Fight him with prayer and by constantly staying tuned in to Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit. Pray for your husband, your marriage, your family daily. It will change your heart. I love Unveiled Wife’s daily prayers if you’re looking for a way to get started. The Power of A Praying Wife is also on my to read list.
Work on Your Own Heart
Dig into the Word. Find a Bible Study group. Get connected with a mentor, and older wiser wife. Do the hard work in your own heart and ask God to reveal what areas He wants to flesh out in you. Pray for your husband’s heart, yes. But don’t try to work on his heart – ask God to show you what needs to change in your own.
Consider Counseling
There is absolutely no shame in going to someone for help, whether it is just you or if both of you decide to go to marriage counseling. Healthy marriages have healthy communication and when there are big hurdles it can be helpful to have a third party there to mediate and encourage. If you need somewhere to start, ask your pastor for a list of local Christian counselors.
Journal
Writing out your thoughts can be really helpful in determining the real issue. Often we are reacting to a symptom of a problem, rather than the actual problem. I’ve found that when I journal, my thoughts become much more clear and I’m able to dig in to what’s really bothering me and find a clear way to talk to my husband about it. It’s also really been helpful for me to prayer journal, and I love going back and seeing what God has done. The Love Dare book is also a great resource, that provides a journal of sorts to record your journey through choosing to actively love your spouse.
Little Things
Ask, “What can I do for you today?” It might seem odd at first, but it can really be powerful. Be creative and think of something little that you could do during the day that would show your spouse that you were thinking of them, that you are choosing to love them. Wash the car, do that chore you both hate, buy a little gift, get a babysitter, play their favorite game, make their favorite dessert. DO sweat the small stuff in this regard, because little acts of love add up. And love covers a multitude of sins.
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8