I’ve been mulling over this topic for a while now.
It all started when my husband and I were first married. People would tell us how happy we seemed and we’d thank them.
And then they’d say “just wait until …”
In fact, in the weeks leading up to my wedding, I had (well-meaning, I’m sure) people come up to me and tell me things like “I remember when I was that happy with my spouse”, “Just wait until he leaves his clothes all over the floor”, “Remember, taking care of your husband is like having a kid”, “Just wait 10 years.”
Fast forward about a year.
I was pregnant with our first child, and we were getting excited as his due date approached. Nervous about labor, but not so much about caring for our child. We’ve both had a lot of experience caring for and loving children, and we both have had couples in our lives model that parenting doesn’t have to end your life, cause massive stress, or change who you are. Sure, we knew (and know!) that it isn’t easy, but we were (and are!) more focused on the positives. Why borrow trouble, right?
Wrong, apparently.
As we got closer to our due date, people (again, well-meaning) would come up to us and not only offer unsolicited advice (a common problem during pregnancy, am I right!?), they would spout unsolicited negativity.
“Labor sucks.”
“It’s the worst.”
“My husband didn’t do anything right.”
“Are you ready to not sleep for 18 years?”
“You’ll have to do all the work. Your husband won’t know what he is doing.”
“Just wait until they scream all night long.”
And after we had our sweet, perfect baby boy – the negativity continued. Sure, it was surrounded by baby clothes and cute congratulatory cards, but it was still there.
“Just wait until they are toddlers and break all your stuff.”
“You can’t have nice things any more. Welcome to being a parent.”
“Oh, it’s not going to be easy. You should be prepared.”
“Are you ready to never see your spouse?”
“Just wait until you don’t have a moments peace.”
My husband and I decided that the worst was when we would say something positive and people would respond with, “Oh, just wait…!” I don’t know if people thought they were being funny or if they were attempting to be helpful by being “honest” but both my husband and I felt so bombarded by all this that we’ve actually talked about having a phrase ready to respond to people who talk to us like this!
To me, the worst thing about all this negative talk is that a lot of it has come from Christ followers. People who claim to believe in a God who loves, encourages, and gives grace.
I think we should ban the phrase “oh just wait” – it’s just not helpful! We should be encouraging newlyweds and new parents! Married couples and seasoned parents should be offering encouragement, not using the stress from their unique situations to try to help through “honesty.”
I don’t think that honesty has to be negativity.
I think that we can be honest and real and talk about reality without being demeaning, discouraging, and disruptive.
We should be coming alongside each other – identifying with the struggles in a way that doesn’t cause more stress!
1 Thesselonians 5:11 says, “Encourage one another and build one another up!”
Encourging. Uplifting. Life giving.
…as Thumper said, “If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.”
Diane McCall says
My grandma was “Thumper”. She was the most influential woman in my life. She had a very hard life but I never heard her say one negative thing to anybody.
If we broke something or did something wrong she would say ” we can’t cry over spilled milk”.
“Gentle words are a tree of life, a deceitful tonue crushes the spirit.” Proverbs 15:4