I think I first heard of the enneagram on a podcast, and it piqued my interest because the podcaster was sharing about the difference it had made in her relationships. I was really in a dark period of my life at that time. Grieving the loss of my dad, dealing with depression, struggling to connect with my husband, trying to be a mom – it all felt uncontrollable. The enneagram seemed like an action step I could take to possibly get back on track, so I dove in and started learning! (It didn’t hurt that I love personality tests!) This is how the enneagram changed my life for the better.
What IS the enneagram?
The first place I landed in my research was the Enneagram Institute, which defines the enneagram this way:
From one point of view, the Enneagram can be seen as a set of nine distinct personality types, with each number on the Enneagram denoting one type. It is common to find a little of yourself in all nine of the types, although one of them should stand out as being closest to yourself. This is your basic personality type.
Everyone emerges from childhood with one of the nine types dominating their personality, with inborn temperament and other pre-natal factors being the main determinants of our type. This is one area where most all of the major Enneagram authors agree—we are born with a dominant type. Subsequently, this inborn orientation largely determines the ways in which we learn to adapt to our early childhood environment.
Enneagram Institute
Why learn more about the enneagram?
What made me want to dig deeper into the enneagram, though, was the fact that it didn’t just tell me what I did, but it helped explain why I did it. It was eye opening for me to finally understand the motivation behind some of the habits and reactions I’ve never been able to understand. Learning about my motivations really opened my eyes to patterns in my life – both healthy and unhealthy. It gave me action steps in a time when I felt like I couldn’t get any traction. I felt like I was able to process past events more clearly because learning about myself via the enneagram helped bring understanding as to WHY I felt or had reacted in certain ways.
Learning more about the enneagram affected my relationships with others very quickly as well. It gave my husband and I common language, and I found it really interesting to explore differing motivations in all my relationships.
How the enneagram changed my life
I realize it can sound odd to say that a so-called personality test changed my personal life, but the enneagram is so much more than a “personality test.” And it really did change my life.
Learning about the enneagram and my specific number/type:
Gave me specific areas to grow.
As I began to learn more about my enneagram type, I began to understand more about myself. I kept thinking, “Oh, THAT’S why I do that.” Learning more about my motivations helped me understand and work on negative cycles (thoughts, actions, reactions) that had been swirling under the surface for years.
Helped me see that I wasn’t alone in how I felt or saw the world.
This feeling does come naturally to my particular type, but in talking with others it is a very common viewpoint many of us hold. It can be so isolating to think we are the only ones who feel a certain way. To be honest, I began crying when I read the description of my type because it was like someone could see inside my soul for the first time. For what felt like the first time, I realized I wasn’t weird or crazy or broken or “too much” or “not enough” but that this was the way God had created me. My unique thought process and way I view the world is good and needed and on purpose.
Showed me the healthy version of myself.
Each type has both healthy and unhealthy sides. As I learned more about the ennegram, I was able to begin to see more clearly what would trigger my slipping into unhealthy behaviors. I was also able to take control and begin to choose a healthy response. This is where, in my opinion, the ennegram gets really good. Sure, it’s fun to know your type. But it’s more valuable to know your type and do something with it.
Having a clearer picture of what the healthy version of myself is capable of gives me a better understanding of who God made me to be. I like how Beth McCord differentiates health and unhealth as “being aligned or misaligned with the truth of the Gospel.” When I am lining my heart up with what God says about me, I am living into the healthiest version of who God made me to be. When I lose sight of what God says about me and begin to believe the lies of the enemy, naturally I slip right back into unhealthy patterns. The ennegram can be a powerful tool for helping me stay on course.
Reminded me that not everyone sees the world through the same lens as I do.
I’ve always known I was different. From a young age, it was clear to me that I did not think the same way my friends or even my family did. I saw and felt things differently. At some point, I just decided that was a bad thing and that there must be something wrong with me (If you know the ennegram, you just figured out my type.).
However, I somehow didn’t put together that this also meant others didn’t feel or internalize things like circumstances and words the way I did. Not until my husband and I learned about the ennegram about two years ago did I realize that the way we view the world is completely different. I can remember reading about our different types and thinking, “Oh my goodness. THAT’S why we fought so much when we first got married.” (We have a lot of common ground as well, but that’s a different post.) I think the most important relational lesson I learned through the enneagram is that differing motivations and seeing the world through different lenses is not a personal attack.
Relationships and the Ennegram
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in my relationships (especially my marriage), is that the only heart I can change is my own. The enneagram really helped me focus on personal growth and aligning my heart to the truth of the gospel. And because of that, the enneagram has impacted my relationships immensely.
Not everyone sees the world through the same lens, and it’s helpful to be reminded of that. Having language to put behind that is really helpful in understanding the different ways we all see the world. It also gives a common language and a base level of understanding of your people’s motivations and behavior. This helps me (and them) assume the best, rather than being hurt or offended when others don’t respond as I would.
I have to say, all of my close relationships have gone deeper because of this understanding. Many of us have chosen to learn about the enneagram together, which naturally leads to conversation, questions, personal growth, and deeper understanding of one another. I’ve also found that learning about all the types has helped me identify both my own weaknesses and that of the people I love so that I can be more intentional in how I speak and act. I can be more specific in my encouragement to others and have a better understanding of their needs when I understand what their motivations might be. I can also speak my own needs much more clearly, rather than leave my people guessing.
So, what about you? Are you enneagram obsessed? Or is this the first you’ve heard about it? Come find me on instagram and let me know if you have questions or tell me what type you are!
If you’re interested in learning more, here are a few of our favorite resources to get your started! A word of caution about the ennegram on Instagram – it’s gotten a lot of hype as of late and everyone seems to be calling themselves an expert. If you’re truly interested, do you research with reputable enneagram experts and enjoy the funny memes on the side.
Books:
- The Road Back to You
- The Path Between Us
- Becoming Us
Your Enneagram Coach Instagram and Website
Podcasts:
- Your Enneagram Coach with Jeff and Beth McCord
- Enneasummer series on That Sounds Fun with Annie F. Downs
- Typology with Ian Morgan Cron
- The Enneagram Journey with Suzanne Stabile